Libram of Ages - Steelshatter's Journal

These past few days have been a whirlwind nightmare of absolutely horrible thoughts and feelings, and yet I’ve emerged intact, and I think better than I was before.  This time of year is always rough on me, what with my parents’ deaths at the hands of Trolls weighing on my mind.  Of course, Aren, my Gryphon, legacy of my father’s own mount, getting injured did not help things.  Damnable Forsaken... when this furlough is over, I fully intend on discussing their continued existence with the Commander.

On top of that, the letter I had received from Wyn was a bit more than I could handle.  I had truly hoped that there was still room in her heart for me, as she will always have a place in mine.  It seems, however, that while she does still have a whit of care about me, her heart belongs to another.  I cannot fault her for this, as it’s been years since we’d seen each other before our surprising rendezvous in Icecrown.  While I do wish her well, and will surely need to send her a reply, it could not have come at a worse moment.  

On top of that, the knowledge that Jude readily employs spies throughout Azeroth was more than a tad disconcerting.  I understand that it comes with the territory of her position, but I’ve never been one for that style of subterfuge.  If you’re going to stab someone in the back, it’s easier to do it under the cover of dark, rather than prolonging it.

What was worse was when I removed my shirt while exiting the forge.  My scars were fully visible, which set Jude into a slight... panic.  I assured her that I had no intention of committing the same mistake.  A lie, but a kind lie, the sweetest reassurance that everything was okay.

However, the mistake I made was speaking with Lucy about the same, I had thought in private, while readily admitting that it was is something I still struggle with.  Apparently, M had been privy to the conversation, and called me out for my lie.  Amidst my panic, I ran from both M and Jude, running to Northrend as fast as my Hearthstone and legs would carry me.  I had hopped the first gryphon out of Dalaran, but...

Unfortunately, it put me right in Valiance Harbor.  Which is the home of Quin.  Not wanting to deal with that, I got a second gryphon to the Argent Tournament.  Climbing the tower near the main command tent of the Crusade, I stood at the edge for a long moment...

I sincerely considered jumping off, I readily admit that.  It would have been so easy to just throw myself off the tower, and no longer deal with anything.  I chose instead to turn and walk away... and that would be when Icecrown truly earned its name with me.  I slipped on ice, and smacked my crown on the edge of the platform as I tumbled off the tower.

I awoke to Quin healing me as best she could.  Jude sent her to check up on me. (Note to self, send both flowers.)  After a long... depressing conversation, Quin said something that broke me down, and left me hurt.  Another long conversation later, and I finally slept.

The following day was the Party for the Servitors, and I was still unsure of what I was going to do.  I sat on the roof of Misty Pine and played my lute for a while, to entertain the guests below.  I’m going to bulletpoint the following events.

• - Got the look of disdain from M.

• - Had a brief conversation with Roiya.

• - Had a long conversation with the Commander, regarding my use of Hand of Sacrifice.

• - Had a longer conversation with the Commander, giving him a full report of my activities over the past week.

• - Was assured that I would not be punished for my actions.

• - Finally went to the party.

• - Received Automated Pitch Pipe from M. (Note to self, don’t forget to sharpen sword and dagger for practice with her.)

• - Got permission from both M and Roiya to use their sigils for something important.

• - Got permission from both Jude and Quin for the same.

It is well past time to let go of the sins of the past.  I met with Marlowe, a wondrous tattoo artist.  Roiya, Quin, Jude, and M’s sigils now cover the scars of my right arm, as a reminder to keep strong, to not forget that there are people who expect the best out of me.  I fully intend to do so.

Izarre may be the most frustrating part of being with the Servitors.  Her arrogance is beyond that of any other person in the whole unit.  She continually questions me and my work, and seems to think it funny that I am Chaplain, given the way she snickered during the previous unit meeting.  I only pray that she is not a member of the Guard, but of the Academe.  That will make the transition far easier.

I would be naive if I thought I would get along with every member of the Servitors.  I’ve never gotten along with every member of any group I’ve been a part of.  I think it best if I ignore the fact that she exists at all.  If she’s going to be a continuous pain my ass, then I’ll simply avoid the keep whenever she’s around.  I should be able to manage that much, at the very least.

On the battlefield, I won’t have a choice, and I will defend her if she comes to harm and I am the only one who can.  My oath to the Servitors supersedes any anger and frustration I may have towards her.  Honor above all.

Two in the morning.

Two in the fucking morning.

Two in the Fel-damned fucking morning, and I cannot sleep.  And no, it's not because of the cocktail I juiced myself with.

(Note to self, alter dosage, add peacebloom extract in .05% solution, to ease transition before next use.)  That... fucking Eredar...

How the FUCK did she know I used to be a mage?  How in the hells did she see that?  I shouldn't be this rattled, but the fact that she saw that much...

Mission Status: Arcavius rescued, no major casualties.  Burns for... basically everyone in the unit, save Mindspanner and Confessor.

Physical Status: Burned.  Ghost applied aloe and bandages.  I could have probably avoided the burn, but Fuzzbutt was covering Arc, and was going to get...

It woulda been bad.  Real bad.  Interceded myself, and got second-degree burns for the trouble.  Least Fuzzbutt's safe, that's the important thing.  I don't have potions that can soothe burns that deep.  (Note to self, devise a fire-extinguishing potion, two part bottle required, for appropriate reaction.  Talk to Stonebrow and Mindspanner.)

Mental Status: ...bad.  Real bad.  Feeling entirely useless.  Failed everything I've tried so far, no sign of that changing in the future.  Ghost helped, as much as she could, but I need one thing to go right, one thing where I can feel like I won.

Perhaps the inhibitor that Mindspanner is using can be used by the living (doubt it) or a decent cognate produced (look into applications of Mind-Numbing poison in a medical sense, perhaps a cut dosage with small amounts of healing potions combined?) Either way, need to get one victory under my belt.

Mindspanner seems to think I have the ability to put in for my promotion task and succeed.  I disagree, but if I fail, it's nothing new.  She's wily, slippery, and now with her emotions on ice, I doubt I'll be able to play that card.  Mindspanner also gave order, no more speedjuicing for missions.  Disagree with the order, but understand the reason.  Will follow it, regardless.

Spoke with Shadowpaw, regarding doubts in leadership.  Fears not assuaged, doubts still present, even after mission.  Too much of an emphasis placed on interpersonal relationships, not enough on the unit success.  Will continue to monitor, prepare for impending fallout.  (Idea: find concoction that would allow one to see through walls, or become incorporeal, for prime sneaking mission)

BB soon, once Mindspanner does what Mindspanner does.  Need to check with Ghost regarding her prep.