An Elf's Tattered Journal

I think I can finally think about all the shit. Okay. So. I signed up for a mission to kill a dark ranger because honestly I think they should be offed at this point, they're loyalists to a fault and really, really dangerous. And I knew it would be in the Ghostlands. I knew it would hurt. I wanted it t  And it did. It really fucking did. Like, I haven't been back since we were all kicked out and were moving ruin to ruin out there, and before that it was the smuggling ring to push mana crystals into Eversong, and before that

So that was hard. I felt like I was going to vomit. Just the whole time. Start to finish. I hate those fucking ziggurats, they should have torn them down decades ago, but noooo they could be useful or whatever. I think the Forsaken half of Tranquillien just wants them in case they need to do Scourge bullshit again. But then it turned out all the Forsaken who'd been in there before had moved. I spotted their tracks, probably from a few days prior. So we followed them. And guess, just guess where they went. Wild fucking guess. 

Windrunner motherfucking Village. Well, not the village, they went straight to the spire. I mean, thank fuck. I couldn't have set foot there. I would've left. And they would've judged me a lot for it and probably talked about me a lot being a scaredy cat or whatever but there's no way. That tower was hard enough.

I mean the approach was hard, we got jumped by banshees and shit, and I got felt up by a ghost. Jo said it was a sexy ghost and I still don't know what she meant. I really don't want to ask. I hope the ghost didn't think I was also sexy. I hope the ghost didn't remember me. I kept thinking about that. Were those banshees local Farstriders who had been risen, that sort of thing. All of the original ones were, I think. Pretty sure I knew a few of them. They wouldn't recognize me now, of course, but I don't know how I'd even feel if I ran into ghosts I knew out there. Odds are I would if I went back to the village. 

Ugh. I haven't slept well since, though. I could kind of see it from those upper ramps, kinda down to the seaside part of it. I keep having the worst nightmares no matter how much I smoke before bed. It's never the same shit either, it's like Third War greatest hits. The worst ones are every version where I ran. Half the time it's not even how it actually went but the result is the same. It's like a "you're a coward in every possible timeline" sort of shit. Awful. It's fucking awful. This past one wasn't even an abomination breaking through the line, it was a single ghoul. Like, one ghoul. That's not even that scary. Still hightailed it out like a piece of shit, though. Ugh and dream me still being a woman, too, just adds another layer of suck. Everything sucks right now. I just want to fucking sleep. Just sleep for a solid decade. The kaldorei druids have the right of that. Just fuck off to sleep for a long ass time. I wish I could do that. 

Been experimenting with dosage for dreamless sleep potions. Gotta find the right concentration so they actually work again. Fucking resistance. Maybe figure out how to space taking them out enough to not run into this again. At least not for a while. Last vial finished a few hours ago, it's just been cooling. Probably been enough time to reach room temperature, actually, and it's pretty late. Gonna give it a spin. 

Ugh, okay. So. For one, I am so hungover right now this sucks. Not throwing up, though! I remembered the hydrating and nausea potions before I passed out. But this headache hurts and I feel like I have the flu. That burnwine stuff is intense. I haven't had that in ages. Been sticking to the Kul Tiran boozes lately. I think those felweed cookies wore off, too, so I'm just like extra feeling it right now. 

Party was fun, though. The Bitch was there for at least half of it, and like... okay. So I'm sure Jo's, like, super busy or whatever doing magic stuff or maybe she DID talk to her about not abusing her rank at any given opportunity and the bitch just doesn't care, but it doesn't SEEM like she did. Cause the bitch is still a bitch, still saying I'm useless and don't know anything, still taking any opportunity she can to be cruel just because she can. Or she thinks she's allowed to. Or, really, she is being allowed to because no one's doing fuckall about it. I don't want to stick my neck out and make me an even bigger target from her or I'd tell my scary big-boss lady. But I feel like that's bringing a bomb into a knife fight and I really don't want The Bitch to have more reasons to harass and shit on me. I still don't know what I did to start this all off. I really don't. Maybe it's what Jo said, that she's just going for an easy target. Cruel people show their hands like that sometimes. Whenever someone looks like an easy target, they just can't help themselves. 

But like. No one's doing anything. When was the first time this happened, summer? I didn't date my fucking entry of course, but I feel like it was. And Jo and Bromm have both been like "we like you, you're useful" and stuff but she's still. Doing. This. Bullshit. I almost turned back around and left as soon as I smelled her armor cause I knew eventually some shit would happen. But I was like, hey free food and booze, so I didn't. And it happened! Of-fucking-course. And no one said anything. I mean, that draenei lady who was hanging out isn't even in the guild so she I'm not salty about, but Tally's my less scary boss and Bromm is the bitch's boss. Maybe they didn't hear it. Maybe they didn't think anything of it. Maybe they agreed wit

At some point I'm not gonna be able to avoid her as well as I am right now. She'll show up for a mission she didn't sign up for on the board, one that I'M going to because I figure it's safe, and it'll just keep happening. I can keep to my room and only do very late night food runs, or stockpile shit when she's gone on stuff, but like. This sucks, you know? I'm so alone and lonely in here. I need to make another Stuff run to Stormwind cause I've blown through a lot of it. I owe that gnome like, hundreds of gold right now too so who fucking knows what I gotta do to pay that back but, like, it makes this shit more tolerable. Like if I'm gonna be alone and hiding out in here, might as well be fucked up for it. It's funner. 

A few nights ago, I had a dream that some mage or something had figured out how to de-void us. It cost all the gold I had and it was soooo painful, but I did it. And then I went home, home-home, to Windrunner Village and it wasn't a haunted ruin now. It was like, a whole town of ex-ren'dorei out in the Ghostlands and they'd like, restored the place. Our house was still destroyed but like, they gave me a new one cause I could prove I used to live here. Obviously y'know under the deadname, because the old birth records are still out there, but they were chill. And I dunno, it just felt really peaceful. And then I woke up with fucking purple hands and tentacle hair and I wanted to cry. 

I'm homesick for a place I can't ever go back to because it doesn't exist anymore. I shouldn't have gone on that Ghostlands mission but I did and it's still hard. Maybe I should

Ugh. Tally did say she would like, listen if I wanted to talk and stuff. But this is a lot of shit, you know? Like "hey, uh, boss lady, wanna hear about how someone's getting away with constant verbal abuse and also how I'm really fuckin depresso about the Ghostlands? cool thanks." I should, though. I mean. She did offer. 

I must not be hiding this shit as well as I think I am. 

UGH. I'll sober up and maybe track her down sometime this week. Maybe tomorrow. Once this headache is gone. 

OH AND I ALMOST FORGOT. I nearly yelled. So, that Kul Tiran I've been uh "enjoying Boralus" with? The hot druid, James? Worked with the guild before, knows Jo and Ordom personally. I can't escape! I mean, I don't think he'd ever like, spill the hot deets, but why?! Can't I go on flirty after work walks and other stuff with a guy and NOT have him know one of the Commanders? I gotta tell him next time that he definitely can't tell anyone with that tabard how we met, cause a) I don't want them to get like, worried, and b) even if they wouldn't get weird, it's kind of embarrassing. I usually hold my booze better than that. I haven't tried that Thornspeaker moonshine since because wow I do not need to wind up sobbing on a backwater dock again. My life's a shitshow as it is. 

Okay. Going to go nap some more and maybe I'll wake up with less of a headache. 

The first half of the page is dotted with scratched out calculations that are labeled with cryptic abbreviations. 200g BT, 20g FW, and similar. UGH in large print is written next to the scribbled out math.

---

Things haven't been awful right now. Furlough was nice. We've been back for a week and a half and I haven't had to fight anything yet. It's been kinda slow. Everyone's been saying vague things about "stuff coming" but I don't get what that means so I guess we'll see. I haven't heard about the war starting up again or whatever so maybe it's something else? I just go to whatever I'm pointed at so I'll just keep doing that.

Been feeling kinda restless lately and I don't know why. Maybe it's cause it's like, snowy and stuff up in Aerie Peak so I can't like, hang outside or whatever. Go smoke by Fro's Leg and stuff. Chill on the dead people memorial. Haha. So that might be it. But I keep wanting to like, do stuff but I don't know what stuff. The felweed takes the edge off a lot so that helps. Maybe once the snow melts it'll go away but I also don't remember this happening the last winter here. I don't want to like volunteer to be given stuff to do or anything cause like, that means I might get called on to do stuff, but maybe I'll like subtly ask Tally if there's stuff to do. Just so I can scratch this itch.

What's really weird is that Snuggler has kinda turned darker? But no one's said anything about it. They're probably just being polite. Everyone kinda ignores it except like two people, so I bet they just don't want to comment. But it's totally extra voidy and I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate it. I don't understand what's going on. It's been like this since probably early November. I swear I haven't done anything to it so it can't be my fault. I don't know how that stuff works. I can't even do the rifty thing I've seen some others do. Jo can do it, actually. I wonder how she learned.

Anyway. It's up to something and I don't like that? Like it hasn't done anything yet but I don't trust it. I don't like it getting darker purple and glowy. People start looking at it more. And then they start looking at me more. And that's bad.

Speaking of people though, Waelton was at the last Lions Share thing and that was cool. I stayed way late after everyone else left and we chatted. And this like, weird lady showed up and was really not subtly ribbing him about not wanting to turn into a worgen and how he's totally like, a cannibal monster secretly. That was kinda rude. He seemed really angry about it but the booze helped. Hopefully. I think her leaving also helped. She flirted with me I think? Which was WEIRD.

Anyway, we were chatting a while and I think I maybe helped? That or I accidentally just kinda called him on his shit haha. He was talking about how like, shape shifting is really hard for him and stuff. He can do a deer and a bird thing but that's it, no bear or cat or whatever else. And I was like, well you don't like turning into a worgen and it's all kinda the same idea right? And he was like "oh shit." So maybe that helped him get thinking. I bet he could be a healer if he wanted. He's good at making plants grow fast, cause he's out doing that in Elwynn. He doesn't like fighting. So I suggested maybe healing stuff. I think they turn into trees? Which seems cool. Maybe I'll ask Ordom about that cause I think he can heal. Although harvest witches have a different tradition, kinda. Not as different as Thornspeakers, I've been learning all about that, but it's still kinda different.

So hey, maybe I did a good. That'd be nice.

Uh, what else's happened. Oh, that gnome. Uh. Seda. I'm still really confused what's up cause I've overheard convos about her being alive, but I'm pretty sure she was like, undead, so I don't know how that happened. Did she do that intentionally? Do gnomes have a cure for undeath that they're sitting on? Was it an accident? Like, wtf, you know? Magic is so weird. Anyway she's been in the gnome hospital on Mechagon for like, a month and a half I think? I haven't gone cause we don't really know each other and I feel like that would be super weird. Like "hey, woman who I thought was a real robot for a year, what's up? I'm just in here with my tentacle to wish you a speedy recovery, byeeee." That'd be weird. I know the scary boss lady was like, hey you can read stuff to her, but honestly I don't even read much and I bet she's more into gnome things. I have alchemy books. Experimental potion design. Probably pretty boring, haha. They're all in Thalassian anyway.

OH. Waelton's gotten jumped by multiple gnomes??? For being a worgen?? I didn't know that was a thing. I knew that like, some groups in the Alliance don't vibe completely, like kaldorei and gnomes with how techy the gnomes are, but this is like... Amani and us levels of shit. Sometimes I'd see an Amani troll in Orgrimmar or something and I'd be like "hah, loser" and then I'd run really fast. But to just stab him because they figured out he's a worgen? What the fuck? He's so nice! Like, a super nice guy who can't even turn into a cat because he doesn't like violence that much. I don't get it. It's kinda awful. I don't think we have any gnomes like that, but apparently it's been three or four he's had do this. So that's kinda fucked.

Maybe the first wave of worgen that joined the Alliance were just really awful people. That sucks, though. If he didn't dislike fighting, I'd tell the bosses to maybe hit him up, but we fight a lot. So I don't know how well that'd work. Which is too bad, I like him.

Uh. This is getting long and rambly. I think I'm gonna hit up the mess for more leftovers.

THIS IS TERRIBLE AND EVERYTHING IS FUCKED

I don't even know what HAPPENED or HOW or WHY but I don't want to sleep at all now. This is awful. I've had nightmares before but this was so different and I don't even know what it was. We were in Teldrassil but like, how it is now. It was horrible. The Old God cultists were out there sapping the leftover wisps from all the fucking dead kaldorei who burned to death and

Did it even happen? Are they on Teldrassil right now? I think I was asleep. I woke up in bed after the wisps broke loose. The ones that made it. But was it a real dream or like, a vision? I feel like the tree's gotta be done burning by now, right? I mean, it's surrounded by water and it's been almost a year and a half. Right?? I hope it's not actually happening. After that, I'm definitely not gonna go there and check. Ugh.

I kinda remember Seda mentioning people having freaky nightmares, but like, was that one? That's way beyond a normal nightmare. Normal nightmares are reliving the march on Quel'Thalas and instead of the Scourge it's like, the Legion or the void or whatever. Or sometimes it is the Scourge but I'm the one killing all my friends I abandoned to die. Because I'm a piece of shit.

This wasn't something I ever did or saw. Like, yeah knowing the Horde burned the tree down felt shitty but like, I've felt shittier you know? And it wasn't my capital being burned down. If the Old Gods were gonna just make me have nightmares, we'd do the fall of Quel'Thalas again. This was like a vision of some horrible other time where they won or something. Is that a thing? Can they do that?

Lady Windrunner was like "the void sees all futures and thinks they're all equally true" or whatever when we were first like, voided, to explain we might know things but that never happened to me. Thank goodness. Is that this? I hate it. I want it to stop.

But that doesn't explain Seda and Ordom being there. I'm not even close with either of them. We're just like, coworkers and stuff, you know? Why were they there? They don't have void connections. Maybe my mind just imagined the first two Servitors I could think of and poof. Acted pretty accurately I think. Good job, me. That would've been worse alone.

It was pretty bad even with two other people. Ugh. I barely even remember what happened, I just remember so much fear and I could barely even focus. It's like trying to remember through a haze. I remember Seda and Ordom thinking they were being attacked by someone but I never saw anything. I kind of remember finding this ritual circle, and Ordom said the wisps had been sacrificed to it. And everything from there on out is just like, still images. Darnassus's front gate, the Temple of the Moon. I kind of remember Seda trying to talk to me but I don't know what she said.

When I woke up, I felt awful too. Threw up everything I'd eaten and drunk. I still feel like shit. Like a hangover, but mental only. Everything's a bit foggy. I can't focus too well on anything cause it's like I'm so out of it I can't think right. Normally I'd go back to sleep but I'm so fucking scared to go through whatever that was again, so that's not an option. And I already can't think straight, so getting fucked up might make be just catatonic. I don't want to be that out of it, just like nicely buzzed, but I don't know if that's even possible. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Ugh even writing this is hard because my hands will not fucking stop shaking. The more I think about this dream thing, the more they start twitching. What the fuck happened to me?

I'm gonna go shower for like five hours and maybe make a light drink, see if that'll help. Everything feels too sharp and loud right now. It's just a lot. It's a lot. I should eat, too, but ugh. Still feel kinda nauseous.

Maybe Jo or something might know what's up. I wanna go to Tally cause she's cool and like, not a Commander but I have a feeling this is soooo out of her depth. Cause it's really far out of mine too. This is sucks. This really sucks.

Fuck.

So I keep forgetting to write. It's like I don't want to think about what's happening or something.

We're fucked. Basically. Like. Ripped into another plane by these evil skeleton val'kyr, then we run through hell for a while, and pop out with these nicer looking val'kyr who are in a cult. Normal stuff, you know. And then we're staying in this fancy floating tower in this blue swirly abyss who are run by robot ghosts who are ALSO in a cult. A different cult. I hate it here.

It's so bright. There's no beds. There's no privacy. There is alcohol though, thank fucking goodness. There's a lot of Azeroth people in here. Looks like a bunch of people either willingly tossed themselves into the Maw with the Ebon Blade or got pulled through like us on accident. Can't imagine willingly volunteering to come here.

Anyway I've been going to Bastion (the winged cult place) to bathe and sleep cause at least there's caves there. There's no night time. At all. Anywhere. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Maybe I'd join a cult, too, if this is how things are like for eternity. I really don't want to think about like, this is where we all go when we die? It's awful? Hello? Is undeath the better choice? Like when I'm about a thousand should I just get raised to avoid this place? ARE MY LATE PARTNERS IN HERE

OH FUCK IS MY FAMILY HERE OH MY FUCKI

[The rest of the page is torn off. It's unclear if the next entry is from later that day or from a later point in time.]

These flame head robots have some good food and drinks. Still not sure if they eat. Do they all eat anima here? That's kind of fucked up if you think about it. Isn't that like, soul residue? I don't know how this place works. I'm getting a headache from thinking about it. Ugh.

So. There's a place worse than Bastion! Great fucking news! I'm losing my mind! Do you want to know who's there? What lovely fucking soul is apparently up to something? Fucking. Kel'Thuzad. I'm going to scream. He was apparently hired (?) by this group of liches that run part of Maldraxxus. Did they know what he did? Did they hire him BECAUSE of what he did? I fucking hate this place.

I'm going there, though. I can't not. We're gonna like, inconvenience him or something. I don't care. I'll pour salt in his coffee, I'll eat his ritual supplies, literally anything. I want him to suffer. I want everyone who works with him to suffer. I'm so mad.

This piece of shit cost us everything. Everything bad that's happened to me in DECADES is his fault. Him and Arthas. Is Arthas in Maldraxxus? I will shoot every last bolt I have into both of them. I haven't felt this mad in years. I WANT to go fuck him up in person. Like, if I didn't think I'd immediately die doing that, I'd march my ass into Lichville and shoot him in his stupid floating skeleton myself. FUCK.

I had to take a walk I got so mad. Him, Arthas, and Kael'thas are like, top of my most hated dead people list. I swear to fucking god if the other two show up I'm gonna

Okay. Okay. I can't keep thinking about that.

This place blows. Nothing about it is good. I hate it here. The end.