Hunting Journal

The journal is small, bound with surprisingly nice quality turquoise leather with shiny gold stitching. On the front is a symbol of a cog on the belly of an outstretched eagle.

Entry 1

We're in Stormheim, M, Z, Minks, and I. We're about to head out though, Highmountain bound. I'm eager, as much time I've spent here I've spent even more time in Highmountain, M even asked for my maps and all. I'm eager to be helpful...Still need to make up for spraying M with wolf urine by accident...In my defense she did get in front of the imp I was aiming at...

I almost froze up again out there. We were defending the vault, it was a rough fight, I was the only one who got out ok. M got a hunk of scrap through her leg, Z got some embedded in his back. It looked a lot like the crash.

I was able to get over it, though, got em both patched up and they should be good to march. Hopefully.

What the fuck is wrong with me? The crash was years ago, why is it still in my head? How can I still have nightmares? Why do I still get flashbacks?

Why am I still afraid of flying?

The doctor told me it'd be good to talk about it...I don't want to. I guess writing about it is good enough though.

It was...Light, it had to be near what, over 10 years ago...Before the third war even, before the city fell. I was in the air force, me and Tazzi on The Screaming Griffon. She was my gunner..she was good. We aced every drill, we were set for a nice long career ahead of us together. Just her and me and the sky. Light wouldn't that be nice?

The blizzard was sudden. I'll never know for sure if those damn Trolls did it or what but we were doing recon over their camps. Everything froze up in a flash. I can still feel it in my bones, that helpless, weightless, feeling. Like drowning almost, your body wants to just float away but you're strapped in and can't go anywhere, not till you hit the ground and go flying. My ejector seat froze up, both of ours did, we pounded on the levers, kicked em, screamed at them, everything we could but they stayed put.

We both had emergency K.I.T.T.S. (Katastrophic Ingress of Terrain Tactical Supplies) but those things exploded as soon as we hit ground and almost instantly got buried in snow. Lot of good those did. Hey command quick warning, maybe don't pack our lifesaving gear in wooden boxes that break on impact!

I had a broken leg and some internal damage. It took me a while to crawl to the wreck. Tazzi was impaled on scrap, hanging out of her gunner's seat half way, like she tried to get out when the scrap hit her...She was alive, but fading fast. She just grabbed my wrist and begged me to finish her off before the trolls can get to her. She was so scared of that, she didn't know if she'd be a zombie or a meal or what but nothing was good there. We both were. We were a good bit away from the camp but not that far. If they were feeling curious that day they'd be on the crash soon enough. I didn't have my sidearm, it got lost in the crash, she didn't have hers either.

I used a rock.

The handwriting gets shaky for the next paragraph.

It took me two weeks to get back to civilization. Two damn weeks in the snow and blood. I learned a lot there, crash course and all. I learned to follow animals, how to work with them, how to trap them, how to hunt. Folks thought I was nuts when I came back, saying I could talk to them. Fel maybe I am but I know what I hear. I know I wouldn't be here if not for them. I'd have wound up like Tazzi, scared, alone, far from home, begging to just die and get it over with...No, not like that, I may go out some time but it'll be on my terms at least.

The writing returns to normal, though there's small writing in Gnomish in the margins, the words 'you are in control' repeated over and over.

When I got back I was rewarded with my instructors and officers telling me I had been declared dead. Fel that must have been horrible for mom and dad. They wanted me to stay home so badly, just help run the family brewery. Have a nice little life like theirs. Then they get told their kid died in some terrifying wreck over enemy territory...then they get told 'woops nevermind she was just out there scared and alone and on death's door for days and days, our bad.'

No. I get it. I'm not bitter at them. Resources were thin, we crashed far away, no signs of life, no emergency COMM chatter, any rescue would go through Troll territory. I'm still pissed, but I get it, it was an impossible situation, either risk a situation like this or risk even more of a scarce resource dying on you for nothing. It was pragmatic, it was for the greater good, it was very Gnomish of them, and it'd be foolish of me to be bitter over that.

I was ready to return but they decided after a few weeks of study that my mind 'wasn't in proper condition' to fly again. They offered me a job with the mechanics and I respectfully declined. I just wanted to fly again. Is that so wrong?

They paid for enrollment in a university for me, I got a degree in natural sciences. Despite the trauma around it I felt a bond with nature after all that. I think technically I could be one of those smug assholes who wants everyone to call them 'doctor' but I dunno, feels weird. Point is I at least got an education out of that, that's good, right?

I was gone when the Troggs came. I was doing a study in the mountains. I got an emergency call on my COMM but I got back pretty much just in time to hear the bomb go off...

I should have been there. Why wasn't I there?! I was studying goddamn GOATS, did I have to be there and not with my people?!

Maybe I really was bitter. I took the chance to leave pretty fast. Maybe I could have gotten there faster...Maybe I thought they deserved Troggs to deal with, maybe to see how important the military like me...like Tazzi...is...

They didn't deserve that bomb though.

WHY WASN'T I THERE?! Why did I get to live while everyone else got to get betrayed why their own? What made some worthless failed pilot worth keeping alive? Why does the girl who ran away from her duty live and all those soldiers who stayed and fought die? It isn't fair! What made me more valuable than Tazzi, than all my friends?! Why do I deserve life and they don't?!

You are in control

You are in control

You are in control

You are in control

I don't understand. I don't get what I did to earn my life. I don't know what I'm doing WITH my life now to deserve it. I'm just drinking and screwing my way around Azeroth before I landed at the Servitors' doorstep. Now we're in the isles fighting demons. I'm on the ground, but fighting again, fighting in a team. I feel like I have a place here. It feels like I'm doing something.

It feels like I'm earning my life.

We're moving to Highmountain soon, I need to get ready, the hike is gonna be long. I found a snake, it's very pretty but I'm almost positive it's extremely venomous too. Gonna throw it at a Murloc to check.

Sub Entry 1

Poisonous: Yes

Able to swim: No

Able to enrage a Murloc enough to call the entire camp for backup before it dies: Very

Weaponize Options: Many, but may need to stand behind Z when I use it.

Entry 2

I fucked up. I fucked up real bad. I shot M. I fucking shot M right in her fucking head. It figures the first time since training camp I ever get such a perfect shot and it's against my fucking CO.

I could blame the issues. I could explain that it wasn't just the fear of demon betrayal that caused it, but also Lam's half dead body needing protection. I could tell her that I wasn't even there when it happened, mentally I was back at the plane crash, surrounded by possible dangers, a horribly wounded team mate, a snap choice to make to protect them. It didn't even look like M when I shot her. It looked like one of those damn trolls...I had to protect her...I had to protect Tazzi...I mean Lam, I thought we were about to be finished off.

It wouldn't mean anything, though. She hates me, and she's right to. I don't know what she IS but she's not living, her body isn't hers, I remember that from the emergency patch-up. She said something about me fucking up a second chance for her...I can at least understand that. She has every right to hate me until I die, Fel she has every right to just fucking kill me in revenge. Light knows by now I deserve it.

I at least got her to the 'dismissive grunt' phase rather than actively choking me again. I can accept that as the limits of our social interactions.

Everything I touch seems to fall apart these days. My machines don't work as well, I'm getting more flashbacks, my shots aren't as good. Again I could blame my troubles but it doesn't feel right to. This is me, something in me is failing.

My doctor told me everyone has a...void in them. For most people it's a fairly small void, one that can be filled with simple things. Community, church, friends, that stuff. We all have these voids, it's part of being alive. I think I'm all void inside. I just keep trying to fill it with booze, keep trying to distract myself from it with screwing, think if I'm all alone in the wilds no one else needs to worry about it. I don't know how to fix my void, I don't think I ever will, I don't think it CAN be fixed.

I flew. Just a little flight, took an eagle out and did a lap around Dalaran. I don't remember when I started crying but by the time I came down I could hardly breathe. The demon me killed my crab, Crush. I guess he didn't go along with the ruse. Don't even know where, can't bury the poor thing. He was just a scared animal, he saw his partner vanish and get replaced with something evil and didn't know what to do. She replaced him with a spider. The spider seems alright, not like she has any allegiance to the Legion, can't blame her for what the demon did. I need to give her a name, I think the demon just called her 'spider'. Pathetic, what kind of asshole can't even name their partner.

What kind of asshole shoots her team mate in the head...

I gotta go stand guard, I'm the only non-healer who can move around easy. Least I can do...