A Vindicator's Writings

The journal is worn down from time, the bindings made of a soft black leather etched with various draenic symbols down the spine. The pages have not yet started yellowing from age, having been protected from the majority of weathering, but are beginning to become somewhat ragged along the edges of the paper. Inside, a majority of the pages are still blank, but the writing that is there is smooth and flowing, written entirely in Draenic with the occasional small sketch of a symbol or a picture accompanying an entry. 

It has been long since I felt the desire to write my thought down. Even longer since I've bothered opening this journal. And yet I can't bear to part with it, even when it pains me to look at it. It remains as one of my few remaining possessions from my Draenor, from my sister. I can still remember when she gave it to me as a gift, to write down my experiences during my time training as a Vindicator in the very beginning, though...

The writing trails off for a moment before picking up once more on the line below.

I never got much of a chance to use it, aside from a few entries. Looking back now, I wish I had been better about keeping logs, to remember better days. Still, I am not sure what is driving me to write at the moment. No, that is a lie. It is a mixture of old memories being brought to the surface, as well as the drink I shared with Folcan at the fire last night. Sleep did not come to me the entire night, and so all I could do was think. Think until it felt as though my head may burst. I am unsure of when I began to read through the earlier entries, or when I even grabbed it in the first place. It's early morning now, and I'm sitting back by the hearth again while I write. I have found it to be the best place for me to think. My mind feels as if it's filled with water. Not certain if it is from lack of sleep or wanting to just forget how terrible the world is for a time and just exist. 

I cannot stop thinking about that gnome child, about how we were unable to save him. About how many more we might lose before we can get them out of there. I despise this feeling of helplessness. I have seen the faces of far too many grieving parents over countless years to be content with leaving the children in danger for any longer than necessary. And yet, I know at the same time, we would not have been able to get them all out with the small group we had. Ah'Lam had a hard choice to make, and I'm not sure if we'll ever know which was the better choice, if there even was a better choice at all. For now, I will offer my assistance to her and the preparations as best I can. I refuse to allow another of those children die, for more parents to have to weep in despair when we could have done something.

These children...they make me think of Arella. This journal is all I have left from her. I think I'm going to try and do a better job of writing my experiences down, like she asked me to so long ago. I don't want to end up just letting her down again.

Once was too much already.

In the bottom right corner of the page is a surprisingly well drawn picture of a young Draenei girl's smiling face.

I have been struggling to find sleep again. I'd been hoping for a good night's rest. After all, I finally received my Servitors tabard, and I will admit, it did certainly feel good to finally join them on an official level, and yet...the meeting was not on a positive note for the majority of the time it seemed. There is still much to be done before our return to the Isles. I will make sure to help where I can.

I went with Ah'lam back to Dragonblight after the meeting.

The writing trails off for a moment before picking up again a few lines lower. 

I am unsure whether or not I should be more hopeful or just more anxious now. While we went there only to scout and map out where they're being kept, we happened to run into a small hozen child. Mo. Although, it was less running into him than it was him falling on me from a tree. As it turns out, he is one of the children we are hoping to free. He was able to assist us in finding a way to enter undetected, which will certainly help when the time comes.

I do not like having to leave him there longer. Who knows what horrors those children are being put through. But...I also know it is for the best, for him to let the others know not to lose faith, that they will all be rescued. I am trying to keep reminding myself of that as well.

I made a promise to Mo. I intend on keeping that promise, no matter what. I refuse to see more of those children fall.

A small sketch of a tiny hozen using Z's shield as a sled is etched in the page below. 

Azure eyes look up as the shadows continuously dance across the stone walls, the light of the hearth illuminating the quiet room. Fortunately, it seemed many of the others were out on business, allowing the draenei to find to easily let his thoughts drift without fear of interruption.

Lowering his eyes back to the small black journal in his lap, Zerov gazes at the open page with the faintest frown. Sketched upon the page are delicately drawn figures spread haphazardly across the open spaces. Outlines of the ones who continuously plagued his mind as of late, and likely would continue to. A madman, a king, and a weeping man. Off in the corner by itself is the image of an icosahedron.

Not having felt up to travelling to Dalaran alongside M after the latest contact with the strange entities just yet, the draenei had opted to stay in the Hinterlands to rest, the sudden blood loss having succeeded in disorientating him somewhat. And yet, rest had ultimately evaded him. When he was not pacing in front of the hearth, listening to the broadcast of the meeting with those in Dalaran from M, he was fervently sketching the images of the beings seared into his mind. Every little detail he could recall was drawn, although the beings themselves were always shrouded in shadows themselves it seemed.

Running a gloved palm over his face, the draenei took a moment to simply rest his head in his hand, stray thoughts floating through his mind. Was it wrong for him to be going along with these creatures? Try as he might to tell himself that this was to protect those he cared about, he was no longer completely sure that that was something he could accomplish through this. He felt like he had been played for a fool. These beings were about as far from the Light as he could go, he felt, and had already proven themselves as at least partially malevolent.

Z could almost feel a chill go down his spine thinking back upon the Maniac, in that respect. It was as if he could almost still feel the creatures claws digging into his skin once more. With a heavy sigh, the draenei closed the small book and set it on a neighboring chair to once more stand and pace restlessly. As much as he may have desired rest, too many thoughts ran wild through his mind for such things.

What could these weapons they spoke of even be?

For such entities to seek them, they were no doubt of great power. ‘Demons’ were mentioned once more, although, the more he had pondered the matter, the less convinced he was that they still meant the Legion, despite what the voices had promised him in the beginning. It seemed like it was too late to attempt to back out at this point, however, and he doubted M would regardless. If he could help it, he would remain to assist her, and based on the brief meeting with the Maniac, she would need all the help she could get. Pausing a moment to gaze into the flickering flames, Zerov allowed a light scowl to cross his features.

How would they even be able to enter the beacon, even if they were able to find it? They mentioned a door, yes, but as the scene of the lake and the beacon returned to the forefront of his mind, the draenei couldn’t help but wonder where the door would lead. The beacon itself did not seem a solid form, so it was likely that this ‘door’ could actually be a portal of some sort. Or perhaps he was simply overthinking it, and the inside was simply hidden from the outside world.

Shaking his head to free himself of the endless questions, Zerov turns his back to the hearth to stride forward towards the stairs, pausing to grab his journal along the way. He would put these questions off for now, at least until after his trip to the ruins in Grizzly Hills with M and the shadow priestess. He only prayed that some of his questions found their answers then.

Once again, sleep seems to be eluding me, so I figured I could take this time to write down my thoughts, if only as a way to pass the time at this point. I wish Verehn had left more wine.

We did it, the Advisor and I. We pledged our fealty to the King and his Queen, and I will admit, it felt much better than I had anticipated it to have. Perhaps I was beginning to tire of these Catalysts more than I had actually realized.

They made sure we knew that we would be against the majority for the time, and while I hold no ill will to any that have been cursed with this Game, the odds do not bother me. If it comes down to it, I will fight to end this cursed cycle.

I expect there won't be too much more time until at least some measure of the fighting begins. Especially with this 'weapons training' coming up. I am eager to see what these weapons we sought out are able to do, though tensions at the camp have been running high as of late.

I will have to keep my eye on that paladin. He is too volatile, too full of himself. While I know we are not allowed to kill each other at this point, I have no idea what these weapons will allow. It is possible that they can't protect their user from another's weapon. If that is the case, many will have to stay on their guard.

I have attempted to stay at the camp longer than I have in the past, and it has given me an opportunity to better know some of the other players, as well as meet some I had as of yet not seen. The paladin and his friend, I am not so impressed with, as previously mentioned, but I will still attempt to give them both a chance. I can not fault them for losing their tempers too much, as this Game certainly is able to fray the nerves of nearly anyone. I do not appreciate the way he views the Light, however, as if it elevates him above others.

I enjoy the company of Athen. I know many at this point do not trust her, or give her grief for her relations with the Broken, but that is her personal business. If it is what she wants, then so be it. It is not causing any trouble at this point, and it seems to have swayed the Broken away from the rest of the Catalysts, so.

For the time, I think I will stay around the camp. There is no saying when it will become public to the others that we have shifted sides, but I imagine few will be acceptable of it. I am unsure of how welcome we may be in the future, but so be it. I simply want to end this cycle of pain.

I suppose I first realized as much when we were within the maze seeking our weapons, when M, Seda and I saw our 'doubles', although they were much more than that. Apparently this is not the first time we have gone through with this cursed Game. When we were told that they were players if another Game, I believe that was when I first started to shift my views of it all. I wish we had had the chance to get closer to speak to them before the Manic disposed of them. 

Regardless of what any may think, I will stand by my decision. If not to end the pain and suffering of this iteration, then I shall strive to do so to prevent a next iteration from going through this. These Catalysts claim to look to save this world, but I am not so sure of that anymore. They would not have held Celestine within their maze for days, killing her and reviving her thousands of times, if such were the case.

No. I refuse to simply stand aside and let this Game continue. They have played their games for long enough. I am ready to fight back.

I must admit, I am a little scared. More than a little, even. Last night was…indescribable. I can definitively say it is something that I would be content to never go through again, though I have a feeling that will not be the last time any of us go through that. Some weapon.

It is still hard to wrap my head around, the fact that we all died. As if we burned up from the inside. And the darkness…perhaps that was what scared me the most. Seeing the darkness spreading over my skin, turning into one of them. Some sort of heads up would have been appreciated, at least.

I am disturbed by how much some seemed to enjoy that entire experience, Nia primarily so. She seems rather unpredictable, to put it nicely. I can’t say I understand the ways of many that are here, but it is not my place to judge. I’ll make sure to keep a wary eye on here nonetheless, just in case.

I must say, though, I am intrigued by the idea of each person being ‘claimed’, for lack of a better word, during their death. It did not seem as though it had any effect in regards to who we have pledged to, but also no effect as to who claimed us in the beginning, so I wonder if is as Vyth mentioned, and is based more so on intention.

If that is the case, then I am content with having received the Father, though I am still unsure of what use that will bring as of yet. Nia seemed empowered by her weapon, whereas I simply felt drained. I will hand it to the Father, though, if that is what he feels constantly. Such sorrow and agony…it’s as though I can still feel it clenching over my heart. Pain as I have never felt before.

I am not sure if it was limited to those that remained in the area, or if it was simply everyone who had their weapon. If so…that makes me even more anxious about returning to the Hinterlands for an appearance. I’ll have to see what M makes of it all, and what she advises.

I am unsure of the implications this holds towards my use of the Light. When I attempted to call to it earlier, it wavered, though I am unsure if that was a result of the events tonight, or simple fear. Should probably try it again a few times to see, now that I have calmed a little more.

Celestine still rests, and I am hoping that that will at least help her condition some. Of only there was more I could do, but she seems stalwart in that I am unable to help further, so for now I will simply sit on watch so she can rest undisturbed for awhile. I was…surprised, when her illusion dropped, but it does not sway me. I pledged fealty to her and her King, and I am still happy with the choice.

The Beholder was an interesting turn of events, I must say. Many of us were prepared for attack, so his simple passing was of surprise. I am curious as to where he and the King have gone, considering there was no sign of the two, save for the trail up towards the thrones. The King and the Broken seemed to be the ones behind this so called training session. I can’t say I’m too eager at this point to see what this ‘next step’ they spoke of is. It is interesting to me that this was merely preliminary, though I find that I’m too exhausted to think too deeply on this at this point.

I think I may at least make an attempt at some small amount of sleep, at least while Celestine rests. I don’t expect the Beholder himself to come marching through the door, though in this place, it is hard to tell, really. Here’s praying that tomorrow is a better day for all.

The draenei stalked towards the gryphons roost, the only indication of the damage done to his knee in the form of a light limp as he continued on, attempting to ignore the sensation for the time being. He steamed quietly as he climbed the slope.

He was angry. He was unsure as to exactly at what, though at this point, it was likely the simple culmination of the nights events. He was angry that Celestine had entered the Gates, despite her promise to stay out. He was angry at M for forbidding him entry himself. He was angry at himself for not fighting harder, but also for going against direct orders.

He was hurting. Nearly everything at this point hurt in one way or another. His knee stung painfully from the metallic punch, his side hurt from where he was kicked away from the door, his chest still ached from the previous night, from when he had died. And yet there was also a different sort of pain in his chest as well, one that hurt far worse.

He was disappointed in himself, in every way he could be. It hurt that he was not trusted to make decisions of his own accord, regardless of risk. He was disappointed that he had not been able to follow through on his own promises. That he seemed to have let both sides down. And by the Light, the disappointment hurt far worse than anything else.

By the time he reached the roost, his fists were clenched tightly at his sides as he fought back the rush of emotion. He had not taken more than two steps into the Aerie before the dam broke, the draenei letting out a light sob as he dropped to his knees just inside the entrance, placing his palms on the floor as the tears began to flow freely. 

He was tired of loosing those he cared about through his own actions, or inaction, in some cases. He was tired of feeling like this. Helpless. Not in control of anything that happens. It was times like these that he wished he had fallen alongside Shattrath with his friends and family. But no, the world was cruel like that sometimes.

Z sat there for what felt like an eternity, the tears slowing until he was sure there simply were none left to fall. He sat there for a moment longer, actively working to calm his breathing from the burst of emotions. He closed his eyes, seeking something to calm himself down as a memory resurfaced, the draenei latching on to it.

He was much younger, still in the midst of adolescence so it seemed. He wore nothing more than a light cloth tunic and trousers, the tunic embellished with the symbol of the Hand of Argus. He carried a practice sword and shield with him as he ran out of his house, only pausing at the call of his name from within. The voice itself was soft, carrying with it the high pitch of that of a child.

A young girl emerged, running clumsily after him to slide to a halt in front of him as he turned to regard her impatiently. “What is it, Allaana? I have to go before I’m late for my first day!” The child watched him sheepishly, her arms clasped behind her back as if she were hiding something. After a moment, she brought her arms forward to show him what she held.

In her hands lay a small black journal. “I got it for you to record your Vindicator training down on, Zee! I know you like to draw, so I figured you might need something to keep with you to record everything.” Allaana held it out to him, watching him with childish glee. 

Z looked at it with wide eyes, passing his sword to his other hand and tucking the shield under his arm to reach forward and take it from his sister. He took a moment to flip through the empty pages before looking up at Allaana with a bright smile, passing the journal to his other hand to reach forward and ruffle the hair on her head affectionately.

“Thank you, Ally, I promise I’ll keep it with me and use it always! I gotta go, but let mom know that I should be home for dinner.” Flashing his sister a wide smile, Z took off through the streets of Shattrath once more, waving over his shoulder. The memory began to fad as he looked back to see Allaana waving back, a wide smile plastered across her face.

Z opened his eyes and stared at the ground with a blank expression for a moment before letting loose a weary sigh and pushing himself up off the floor. Brushing himself off, the draenei started forward once more, though his gait was measured and even, the anger seemingly dissipated. All that was left was weariness and determination. He was tired of watching those he cared about die.

Reaching one of the tethered gryphons, Z went about preparing it for flight, leading it outside once it was ready. Reemerging into the crisp air of the Hinterlands, he took a deep breath before climbing atop the restless creature as it paced. He understood how it felt. 

Bowing his head over its neck for a moment and closing his eyes, the draenei took another deep breath. “Pheta vi acahachi.” And with that, they kicked off of the platform, rising into the night sky as the cold air rushed past them. Once they had some altitude, he veered their path towards the south, towards Ironforge. He was sure he could find some mages there that could set up a portal for him, for a small fee. 

Regardless of what M said, he had acted as he believed was necessary. He wanted his journal back. He didn’t want to follow along this Game anymore, or submit any other ‘iterations’ to this hell. He wanted to end it already. And so he would try, whatever it took. 

He was tired of watching others die around him.

The reminders followed him wherever he went.

A splintering crunch rings out through the haze of silence that has settled over the woodlands of the Hinterlands, echoing out across the snow. The gentle glow of the moon on the horizon breaks through tops of the forest, illuminating the flakes of snow floating steadily from the darkened skies above. Most inhabitants of the area had long since retired for the night, morning fast approaching.

The lone draenei allows his fist to drop away from the towering pine he stood before, a faint imprint of the collision left in the splintered bark. His bared hand falls back to his side, the blackened tips of his fingers brushing against the chilled metal armor. Even as the blood from his battered knuckles trails down his hand, the figure shows no sign of registering the darkened liquid as it drips steadily from his fingertips.

Zerov made no move to shift from where he stood as the blood continued to flow, the unnatural white orbs focused absently on the pine. It is only a moment later, however, that his stupor finally falters. Blinking rapidly, the young vindicator lifts his eyes from the tree to peer out at the surrounding darkness in silence. After a moment his gaze alights on the distant lights of the keep, the faint shape of the Aerie silhouetted high above. A slight scowl crosses his features for a moment before he turns away, resting his back against the pine.

Ever since they had returned from Outland the previous night, he had kept away from the others. Not entirely out of anger, though he would be lying if he tried to convince himself, and anyone else, that at least some degree was not present. Especially in regards to a certain undead mage. No, he simply sought solitude for the time being.

He didn’t even have a chance to prepare himself.

The draenei shudders slightly, though it had nothing to do with the frigid temperatures. Sliding down to sit at the base of the tree, Z rests his arms atop his knees, paying little heed to his bloodied hand. His attention instead rests upon the dark stains in the snow before him, the events of the previous night filtering back in, unbidden and unwanted.

The sight of that painfully familiar armor returned to him, as did the unmistakable corpse that the battered draenic armor adorned, draped unceremoniously over the edge of one of many carts that dotted the wastes around the Auchindoun.

The image was seared into his mind. Even as he had approached, even as he had stared at the corpse, he had continued to try and tell himself that it wasn’t her. That he was mistaken. But he knew better. Even through the shock, he knew better. He recalled how some of the others had dismissed the body, simply because it was not *their* Izarre, the one they had been initially looking for.

Tempered rage flared through his chest at that particular memory. While he knew that they were frustrated they had not found her, and that she was still in very real danger with her captors wherever the fel she actually was, he still resented their easy dismissal. He wasn’t sure if they were simply ignorant or forgetful of the fact that this was both his and Zuriah’s Izarre, but it stung nonetheless.

It stung to hear them talk about the one he was once in love with like that. Who he still loved to this day.

Tears once more pricked at the corner of his eyes at the memory of seeing her there. Of seeing her like that. Of how her daughter had to see her like that. They had known that scrying was not an exact magic, but he had not even considered the possibility that it would lead them to the other Iz. He didn’t even have time to prepare for it. Lifting his bloodied hand to wipe at his eyes with his palm, the draenei peers somberly at the darkened fingertips. As he drops the hand once more, he recalls Izarre’s words from a couple of months ago, the words suddenly choking off any previous train of thought..

“She would be ashamed of you.”

As the words begin to echo endlessly, a strangled sob rips through his brittle display of composure. Unable to stave off the inevitable for any longer the tears finally break free, soft trails of moisture rapidly staining his cheeks. He allows his head to drop to rest against his forearms as his shoulders rock with silent sobs. Because he knew. Even though he did everything he did with the belief that it would only help, he knew that she was right. She would have been ashamed of him. As the snow continued to drift languidly down to settle over the forest, a soft whisper escapes from the draenei through quivering lips.

“I’m so sorry.”

April 12th 

I don't know what to do anymore.

We took on the fel reaver last night, and it went nearly as terribly as it possibly could have. So many were hurt in the process. Jo managed to finally take care of the reaver, but nearly all of those that were on the ground suffered heavy injury. No one is dead, but a few are teetering on the very edge. Was it really worth it all in the end? Maybe. I don't know. I suppose my opinion on it all doesn't really matter anyways at this point.

I've also come to the conclusion that I will do whatever I have to do to not be placed in the back lines again. I am not a ranged fighter, I never have been and I doubt I ever will be. It's not what I was trained for. While I can partially understand M's decision with my placement, I was still rendered near useless throughout the entirety of the fight because of it. Being unable to help is perhaps one of the things I hate the most, I've come to realize. I've been doing my best to assist with all of the healing needed, but I'll be the first to admit that it's not my forte. 

After my conversation with M the other day, I used the Mark to try and contact the King. It appears as though the connection has been severed. There's simply nothing there now, despite the Mark remaining. I'm not sure what to make of it. My eyes have not gone back to normal either, yet, despite the loss of the connection, which only provides more confusion. Perhaps he has died again? I may speak to M about it, I haven't yet decided. 

But I did test the weapon out, away from the others. It is still there, though the power seems to have faded some. It was more difficult to call upon this time. I had the intention of asking about it, but since the link was severed, I didn't get the chance. But I'm confident that it would still bring me back should I die, despite M's trepidation on the fact. I'm not sure how many times I have left for it to do so, but it's only been...four times that it has had to so far. Two of those I'm not sure if it would even count for, as they were unavoidable. There is still the occasional residual pain from them, but it is nothing that I can't live with.

I haven't had the chance to talk to Izarre and Folcan about all that's happened yet. Folcan asked me again before I left, but there was not time to explain then. I've yet to formally leave the Game, what with this 'hiatus' that it seems to be on, and I've not yet decided on whether or not to entirely do so yet, or if it's even possible for me to at this point now that I've become an actual player within the larger scale of it all. I need to speak with the King or the Architect at some point, probably. After the deployment. 

All I know is that I don't want to disappoint either of them again. I've done enough of that with far too many people these past few months.

I messed up again. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. 

It's not that I intentionally go out of my way to go against orders, I just...I don't know. I guess I just don't think far enough ahead before I do something sometimes. In the moment it always at least seems to not be such a big deal, or it seems as though it is the right move at the time. But whenever I look back later on, I know that I fucked up. I shouldn't have tried to push that drink closer to Sky, regardless of whether or not M was there anyways. I know she's under orders not to drink right now, and I shouldn't have offered up a chance to break those orders. I deserved M's anger.

Speaking of M, she's...different now. In a lot of ways, really, though not just physically. She seems much more...volatile, in a way. It's actually rather terrifying, if anything from last night is something to go off of. I'm assuming that it's got something to do with this new body but I'm certainly not about to ask about it. 

We were informed we would be deploying once more last night. We'll be splitting off into small strike teams this time, though, so that we can spread out across the Isles. And of course I was placed on M's team, alongside Minks. After last night that became a lot more nerve-wracking, especially as Sky may join our group at some point once she heals more. Well, that and the fact that most of our gnomes in general seem to enjoy calling me a 'meat shield'. Reassuring.

Zuriah spoke with me last night about going to bury our Izarre back on Outland tonight, before we all deploy again. I don't really know exactly how I feel about it all. I know it's something that we need to do, and that it is long overdue, but I can't help but feel a bit...I don't know, anxious? Nervous? Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. It needs to be done, for all three of us.

Sleep was hard to come by last night. I spent most of the night gathering some of the supplies we'll need in Stormheim, if for nothing else but to keep busy and keep from sitting and losing myself to my own thoughts for as long as possible. I'll try to gather the rest before tonight. I already asked M for permission to go to Outland for this a couple of weeks ago, so I don't believe there would be any issues with me travelling there tonight, so long as most of the supplies are gathered. Part of me dreads having to speak to her about anything at the moment after last night, but I know I should at least inform her. As impossible as it may be I want to at least try to make up for all the times I've fucked up. 

I hate being a disappointment. 

Some more draenic writing seems to have been crammed on to the next few pages of the weathered journal. The words weave back and forth between seemingly randomly placed sketches of various native plants and creatures from Argus, as well as a more recent image of what appears to be a hammock. The occasional cluster of ink blots litter each page as if the words took some extended thought or hesitation.

So. It's been awhile since I've been able to find both the time and the words to write in here. Everything has just been so chaotic and jumbled that I've been struggling to piece my own thoughts together on it all, let alone be able to translate it into writing. I seem to be getting close to running out of open pages as well, but I don't really want to get a new journal. I've had this one for so many years that it seems far too strange a concept. Maybe one of these days. Regardless, there's a lot to catch up on. So much has happened these past months.

Argus was...not like I had ever imagined it to be. Not that I'd ever dared to hope we'd ever manage to see it again in the first place. But all of the stories that I grew up on, that told of the wonders of Argus and tried to focus on what it was before the Legion turned up there, they did nothing to prepare us for what we really should have expected. I knew many draenei who still held on to the belief that should we ever be able to return, that Argus would still be close enough to the home they left that they would be able to make a living there once more. I guess some part of me had dared to hope it was capable of saving over the years.

But it only took one look to know that would be impossible. The world itself was too far corrupted. Honestly, how the krokul and the creatures that lived there survived for so long still baffles me to this day. I never got to have any real personal attachment to Argus as I grew up aside from the stories, but it was still hard to see something that was so important to my people in such a state. Shattrath is much the same way for me. Most of Outland is, really. I hate calling it that. The new Draenor that was opened up is hard to see, but in a different way. It just reminds me of what life used to be like, but none of it is mine, not really. Even my mother and sister that are there.

I visited them over furlough finally. I've been avoiding it for years but I finally told myself to just do it. It wasn't quite as awkward as I'd been anticipating, but it was still awkward. My mother told me she'd assumed I was dead when that portal opened and I never came and sought them out. I guess I don't blame her. But she at least seemed happy to see me. She told me the...other me? Their Zerov died in one of the battles defending Shattrath. It makes me wonder if I hadn't been forced to help civilians evacuate in my Shattrath if the same would have happened to me. I've been trying not to dwell on it, but it seems to keep coming to my mind at random times recently.

Anyways, back to Argus for now. In the end, to no real surprise, we weren't able to save it after all. But with it gone at least now we'll hopefully stand a better chance against the demons. And we did meet up with the Army of the Light finally, so there is that. They had some pretty amazing technology with them. A lot of it seems to be variations of what we've been using for a long time, I'm looking forward to talking with them some more. Particularly about their whole process of becoming Lightforged. At this point, I'm not really looking to do anything like that myself, especially when I'm around those who it would most likely make uncomfortable more often than not. I know M wouldn't like that one bit. It'd make sneaking harder if I'm glowing all the time. But I at least would like to figure out more about the process in case some day I need to. It definitely seemed to give them an advantage against the Legion.

The the ink has coalesced a little bit at the start of a new line, as if the tip of the pen was tapped lightly on the paper a few times before the words continue.

My father was on Argus. He's working with the Legion. I don't remember much of him from when I was a child, but he's still my father. Was. He's the reason Jenn is gone. And possibly Lammy now too. I just...I don't understand. My mother always told Allaana and I that he had died. I guess, in a way, he did, but that's not good enough. If she was trying to 'protect' us from the truth as kids, sure, I guess I can kind of understand that, but she should have told us when we were older. Maybe she'd been planning too. I don't suppose I'll ever really get the chance to know now.

We were working to track him down after what happened with Jenn on Argus. We got information that led us to a ship, but it didn't seem like he was there. Maybe it was a trap all along, maybe he found out we were on the way. I'm not sure. But something went wrong with that portal as we were leaving. I'd bet my pay on that it was him somehow. Everyone got dumped out of the portal at seemingly random spots across Azeroth and Outland. Lammy never checked in, and we can't get a signal on her COMM. Hopefully we can find her before anything really bad happens. The portal dropped me off, go figure, in Shattrath. My Shattrath. As if the night hadn't been going to shit as it were. There wasn't any time to prepare myself for being there again like I've tried to the few times in the past that I've gone back. It was rough. I left as soon as I was able.

But not everything has been all bad recently. The Alliance seems to have enlisted some new help, this time in the form of the Lightforged (which I mean, in essence they're just brighter, shinier draenei, so do they really count as 'new'?) as well as these 'void elves'. I think they're going by ren'dorei now. From the little I've heard so far, they've been exiled from Silvermoon, and the Horde as a whole, for practicing void magic. Which seems odd to me. People have been experimenting with it for a long time already. Maybe after Argus they've changed their mind a bit.

We've had a couple of these ren'dorei join us recently. They move pretty fast, but I don't blame them after seeing how some people act around them. Safety in numbers and such. But the two that I've met so far seem really nice. Celisselia and Rian'vys are their names. I've only had a couple of chances to talk with Celisselia, but she seems like she might get along with Marbelma pretty well. Maybe. And then there's Rian'vys.

I like him. He seems nice. A bit awkward at times, sure, but I certainly can't blame him. I know firsthand how it is trying to meet and fit in with entirely new people (and races) than what you've grown used to. It's definitely rough for awhile. And I'm sure it's far worse for them, what with all the void. I've been trying to help make the transition as smooth as I can, but I know there's only so much I can do on my own in that regard. I did offer to go along to any of the larger cities that as a sort of back up in case any assholes show up though if they want.

I may be completely wrong, I am a bit rusty on all of this after all, but I think that he's been flirting with me. At least on one or two occasions, maybe. And I may have flirted back a little. Just a little. He's not a fan of the cherry grog that Truk serves, which I can relate with since that seems to be the only thing Truk likes to keep in stock, so I gave him a few samples of some of the drinks that I've collected the past few months. Hopefully he likes some of them. I can try to get some more sent to the keep if he does. Light knows everyone is in need of a proper drink these days.

He also took some time to show me how to properly use a hammock. The hooves, tail and horns make it a surprisingly difficult task. I'm just glad I didn't tear up his hammock. That would have been embarrassing. Not that falling flat on my face trying to get out was much better. But hey, he seemed to be more amused than anything by it, so I'll take a bit of a bruised ego for it. He's got his hammock set up in this closet that's a bit out of the way, so at least no one else was around to see it. I'm a bit jealous he found such an out of the way spot. I'm used to tight living quarters from when I was younger, but for awhile there when it was just me travelling, I got a bit spoiled on the seclusion I suppose. At least now that I know where the closet is I don't have to leave anything for Truk to pass along to him now.

We had another drink the other night, Tally appeared at a great time after I was telling him to try and stay on the good side of the gnomes. She was dutifully terrifying in that helmet as well, so that helped. Harthur came along a little bit later and played some music, which was fine. At first, at least. I don't know dwarvish, but their songs are nice to listen to. But then he had Tally and I sing along with him in Common. And of course it was a love song. I didn't realize until the end, and by that point I figured finishing the last line was less terrible than just stopping abruptly. But it was definitely...awkward after that. And of course it was still raining so I couldn't even go outside to run off some steam. I'm not sure if Harthur just chose that song for the holiday or what, but Light. Rian'vys certainly didn't seem to enjoy it either so far as I could tell.

Perhaps there could be something there, but only time can really tell. I don't really like rushing into this kind of stuff. And I certainly don't like making anyone uncomfortable, for any reason. Maybe it was just one of those nights. Maybe I'm just reading everything wrong in the first place regardless. It's been...years. Flirting is not my strong suite. I know communication is key but, like, I'm not about to just walk up and ask "Hey, so have you been flirting with me or am I crazy?" I know enough that that's not what you do. It's just not. For now though, I'll just keep trying to make him feel welcome here. What happens, happens. I may need to ask Jo to give me a few lessons in dwarvish, just so that doesn't happen again. I'd rather go back to Argus than have to do that again anytime soon.

I need to start writing everything down again. It helps.

Light. Everything hurts. My face hurts from falling. My leg hasn't really stopped stinging these past few days and my head feels like it was smashed in with a hammer. At least, this is what I imagine it would feel like. Fel. That alcohol was pretty potent just on its own, but with the...what was it he said it was this morning? Bloodthistle? Yeah, that's it. Holy shit. It is strong. It was nice while it lasted at least. Man, was it nice. The morning after, not so much, but last night was great. 

Right, getting a bit ahead of myself here I think. Fuck my head hurts. It took me way to long to try and pull myself up into the bunk when we got back. I hope no one heard me fall. That'd be embarrassing. Someone probably did though with my luck. I've been keeping my pillow over my head for the most part to try and block out the light. I want to sleep more by my head hurts too much right now. I'm bored, so here I am. Wanted to right stuff down while it's still kinda fresh. Glad this was already up on my bunk. 

Shit, last night, right, right. Backing up. Went to that Lunar Festival thing out in Darnassus with Rian'vys. On bodyguard duty. Kind of. I'll go with that for now. Anyways. We didn't run into any trouble at least, so that was good. I kinda dressed up, and by that I mean the fanciest tunic I have at the moment which honestly isn't really that great. Especially when compared to that outfit that he picked out, hot damn. Elves and their fashion.

I remember seeing Jo and Uther there at the beginning, during that story about Omen. Which, by the way, was really neat. Never heard the story before then, but the visuals and everything were cool. I don't remember seeing either of them after that, but maybe we did. Who knows anymore. Went to go find some drinks after that, and I remember we found this inn that apparently doesn't sell any alcohol, which is ridiculous. Night elves, I swear. Luckily Rian'vys had some stored in the bank, so we got some of that and went back to the party. Listened to a bard for a bit while we drank near the stage. Went and watched a trivia contest. I'm still pretty sure they rigged those question in favor of the elves, which I guess is fair, but at least it was this void elf who beat the night elves. That was hilarious. 

It gets a tiny bit fuzzy on specifics after that, but I'm pretty sure I remember most of it at least. Glad neither of us fell off that tree trying to walk down, but shit was I close. Heights and drugs do not mix I've come to learn. Watched the tree elves getting ready for the parade at the end, but neither of us figured we'd be able to follow at that point. It was a struggle to even stay upright. So we went and got some food. And shit, man. Everything happened so fast. 

He's smooth. I'll give him that. I never even saw it coming, though I guess part of that could be passed off on the drugs and alcohol. I definitely wasn't expecting it, but that kiss was still great. Even if it was just part of his plan to grab my coin pouch to win the bet. I'll gladly keep up a running challenge if that's gonna happen each time. Man. Anyways, we sat and talked for a bit while we ate our fruit. He asked me to come meet him at his closet around 5am for something important if I was up, so we found a mage to give us a portal back to the Keep and then we both went our separate ways for a bit. 

It took me a bit to actually get up, but I made it down there finally. I...don't think he remembered inviting me, which is fair. Drugs and booze do that. I probably would've forgotten at some point too if it wasn't for the note he scribbled down to remind me. But he still invited me in. I was kinda worried by how nervous he was getting, but I understand that now. I certainly don't blame him. I guess his initial invitation down there was for me to see what happened once his potion wore off. I was a bit surprised, sure, but it doesn't change anything. I don't know if it was the drugs or trust talking there in Darnassus, but I'm glad that he trusts me enough to have allowed me to stay when he was sobered up. Gonna try and repay that trust as best as I can manage. Hopefully we'll have some time to talk sober soon. If nothing else, at least mostly sober.

I'm like, dying of thirst right now. I should have thought ahead and grabbed something to drink when I was downstairs earlier. Fuck. I know Rian'vys said that he was closer to the mess if I need anything, but I sure as fel don't wanna risk waking him up or something. He looked a bit worse off than me, but that could also just be me being more confident in myself than what I should be. Whatever, I can deal with some stairs. I hope. If nothing else, I'm sure a dwarf will come along eventually and kick me up off the ground. I'll try and grab enough water that I don't have to go back for a bit. Think I'll drop some water off outside his closet just to make sure he's got some while I can manage being upright. 

Fuck I hope this passes soon.

Fuck. It has been a week. Where do I even start.

Well, we did manage to deal with the cultists and that prophet, at least. Kinda. I’m honestly still a little lost as to what the fel even happened. That wave hit us and I’m not sure if it was all in our heads or not, trying to figure that stuff out is way above my paygrade. My job is to stand in the front and try to make sure my shield is up for everyone else. Not that that seems to help sometimes, but.

We found Folcan, finally. He was in pretty rough shape. I’m still very confused as to why the Scarlets all but gave him up without a fight. There was some weird riddle game they made Jo play, and I guess she must have won since they let us leave without a fight. I don’t trust it. They have to have some sort of ulterior motives with that. I know a fight wouldn’t have been ideal, but they seemed somewhat scattered overall. I feel we should have at least tried to incapacitate them somehow. I don’t look forward to running into them again. Literally, in the case of that spear.

We had a run in with some ethereals too, up in Highmountain. I wonder if they’re related to the ethereals that were on Argus, maybe they were a splinter group. Who knows. Anyway, they were abducting some of the tauren that lived up near the Enclave. We were able to save some of them, but not enough of them. It looked like they were trying to force the void into them. Maybe it was practice for something bigger. Going to have to keep my eye out for anything that sounds similar.

Light, I need to brush up on my sneaking. I -really- want to sneak up on him now. Both to prove that I can and to get that surprise he promised. Maybe I should ask M for a brush up lesson. Would she be suspicious of that? Maybe. “Hey M, can you help me practice my sneaking skills a bit more so that I can possibly (hopefully) get another kiss from your new scout? Thanks, really appreciate the assist.” Yeah, that’d go well. Maybe I can come up with a convincing reason. I’ll have to think on it.

When I brought up my ship last night, Rian’vys seemed pretty enthused about the idea for a little trip down towards Booty Bay And I am more than down. It’s warm, for one. There’s bound to be some great drinks down there with the goblins and such. Maybe he can even find some of those goblin drinks he’s been missing. Besides, it just sounds like a nice little getaway. The festival turned out to be a great time, so I can’t wait to see how a little boat trip would go.

I have some...ideas for this challenge. I’m thinking the trip will be the best chance I get, the keep is a bit hard to sneak around in. Maybe not for a gnome, but definitely for a draenei. Sneakers or no. I’ve only visited Booty Bay once or twice before, so I’ll probably have to wait to make sure what I’m thinking is even possible. But I think I can pull it off. Just need to get some things set up before hand. And work on my balance. That’s very important in this. Light, I can’t wait. I should probably do it before we start drinking. Otherwise that might end up...very badly.

Man, I get sorta giddy just thinking about it. About Rian’vys in general, really. It’s nice to just be able to relax and talk freely to someone. And casually flirt, of course. Alright, maybe not so casually sometimes. But still. It’s kind of charming how nervous and flustered he gets sometimes. Light, especially after that coin purse stunt. That was great. He doesn’t really remember it, but it’s alright, we were both pretty fucked up at that point. I’m surprised I remember as much as I do. Just makes me want to make my challenge memorable for him. Payback.

I need to send a message to the merchants using my ship so that I can try and get a bit of a timeframe for when they’ll be in harbor so that I can take it out for a spin. Maybe see if they know any particularly good spots down south that may warrant a visit. Man, this is exciting. I really should go find a spot to practice my balance. Maybe I’ll do that before I go on my jog tonight.

At the bottom corner of the page, a small sketch of a ship and an island with some palm trees has been added.

That ship was one of the best gifts I’ve ever been given, holy shit. 

So my plan worked, first off. Which I’m honestly still super surprised that it went so well. I was certain I was just going to straight up lose my balance on that rope and fall flat on my face, but I guess that practice really helped. The original plan was to aim for his lips of course, but turns out I didn’t account for my aim, what with the swinging and slight height difference. I only managed his forehead, but fuck it, I’ll take it. His ‘reward’ fixed that real quick though. 

But man, that was a fucking great trip. Rian’vys wound up having to steer the ship down there. I am...not at all nautically inclined yet. That will need some practice. Stopped by the bay and got the booze I ordered from the Booty. Light, he’s right. That’s going to stick from now on. Sailors pick the best names for shit.

We found a little island to moor off of and spent the rest of the day there on into a bit of the night. Booze, kissing, massages, swimming, hit all the good stuff all at once. Loved it. It was amazing. Could have done without the rain being such an ass when one of us commented on it, but hey, at least it wasn’t freezing. I’m going to have to make a mental note to give more massages. That reaction. Mmmhm.

The was some serious talk tossed in there too, of course. I’m glad we finally got a bit of time to sorta sit down and talk about stuff. It was a good talk, too. We’re on the same page about everything it seems, keep it slow for now and sorta see where it goes from there. I’m...not super experienced with relationship-ish stuff in general, so easing into everything is definitely best. I don’t wanna mess anything up. Like, really really don’t want to. And I definitely don’t want to push past any sort of comfort levels. 

For sure down with keeping this quiet from everyone at the keep. Light knows they rib me about enough as it is, this would just add to it. And I’m not about to drag Rian’vys into that teasing if I can help it. And especially not when we’re still trying to figure shit out. We have plenty of time to just let things play out naturally. I know he mentioned ‘baggage’, which I’ll for sure do my best to help with as much as I’m able, but I know first hand that a lot of that shit you have to work on yourself. 

We wound up spending the night on the ship down there near the island. No point heading back in the dark, and I’m certainly not about to complain about spending some more time on our trip. The rum helped a bit with that decision, sure, but still. Didn’t sleep super great at first, but that’s just because I was so wound up with everything that happened. Cause that shit was playing on repeat for a while.

But man, I just can’t get over how much fun that was. He’s so freaking adorable. I don’t know how we’re going to top that ‘kissing on the beach at sunset’ scenario, but I’m without a doubt going to try. Light. So good. So so so so so good.

I need to go, like, run off some energy or something. 

Why. Why spiders.

That was the fucking worst. Light. If the word ‘spider’ shows up anywhere in the mission description anymore I am going absolutely nowhere near it. Fuck that. No. That one cave had more spiders than I ever want to have to deal with in my entire life. And of course they were lava spiders on top of that. What else could they have been except lava spiders.

And then those little spiders were crawling out of those dwarves and I just

No. That entire trip was probably the biggest ‘no’ I’ve ever experienced in my life. That was maybe one of the worst things I’ve ever seen and that’s saying a lot. Sure, maybe I’m a bit biased because I already fucking hate spiders, but that right there is going to supply nightmares for a few years I’m sure. Probably longer, because holy shit.

And then that giant spider there at the end? That was just icing to the worst damn cake that ever existed. I don’t understand at all why the dark irons didn’t just pack up and move away, cause holy shit. That was intense. I’m already not a fan of cramped caves. That paranoia has just intensified tenfold thanks to those Light damned spiders.

I keep getting these phantom itches where it feels like a spider is crawling on me. I’m going to be walking down the hallway at the keep and just suddenly start flipping out because a hair is tickling my arm or something, I just know it. I thought about telling Rian’vys about the spiders, to have someone to suffer the image with, but at the same time that is not really an image I want to inflict on anyone, least of all him.

On a slightly lighter note, my run for the Jovite ore in Talador went successfully. A couple run-ins with the plant life in Zangarra, naturally, but nothing too terrible. We managed to not wake one of those giants in the cave we found, so that was great. We’re sneaky miners, apparently. I’m not about to complain though, that’s for certain.

Being back in that sort of environment was...strange, to say the least. I didn’t like it. At all. All it did was remind me of the times spent in hiding out in Zangarmarsh with the refugees after Shattrath fell. It’s not exactly a time I like to remember if I can help it, really.

Light, I need a drink. That was some real shit.

Fucking spiders.

There’s a sketch at the bottom of the page of a hoof stomping on a spider, with the word “NO” scratched heavily into the page right above it.